My Journey as an Introvert

 

               It’s a thick band, around one cm wide, polished gold and so clean that you can see your reflection on it. Love over fear. Those are the words engraved in capital letters along the outside of the ring.

               When I first saw it, it made me cry despite my best efforts not to. It wasn’t anything too special, just a 20-dollar ring, but it made me so happy to have it. My brother, Ethan, had gifted it to me because of our shared interest in a brand called Seek Discomfort. The saying love over fear comes from their motto that the best adventures in life come from discomfort. Ever since I heard about this brand, I have been conscious about making little effort to get out of my comfort zone and trust myself. Now that I had the ring, I felt the urge to do something big, something to mark my commitment to a new confident me and push the limits of my discomfort.

               No better way to do this than to work on my social skills, so I signed up to do a study abroad. Years ago, this would’ve been unheard of for me. I've always longed to be a social butterfly, but I sucked at talking. I had gotten better over the years, but even at the time I decided to take this trip, I had anxiety around the idea of conversing with a stranger and meeting new people. I envied people who It seemed to come naturally to, like the woman at Walgreens who started talking to me about fashion or my coworkers who can start a conversation on the most boring of days. Sure, I was an introvert, but I could change, right? I’ve just got to choose love over fear.

               Around a month before I left for my trip, I had my first call with my host family and thank goodness my brother was there. My Spanish up until that point consisted of two middle school classes and some Duolingo. I maybe had enough knowledge to order some food, but even that was a stretch. The call went something like this.

               My host family would ask me a question which prompted me to look at Ethan in distress and confusion. He would translate to English and then I would stumble through my Spanish to give a response which at most would be five words long. I was too scared to say more than I had to for fear of making a mistake or stopping midsentence because I wouldn't know to say. After about three minutes I had run out of words to use, and the call turned into a conversation between my host family and brother that I sat and observed.  

               “Oh man Sophie, what are you going to do if you can’t talk” my dad said jokingly after the call, but it was true. I wouldn’t have Ethan as a crutch to carry me through a conversation I had to do it myself and that thought scared me. I barely survived that call; I'd be lucky if I could make it through the first week. I looked down at the gold ring around my finger which I began fiddling with nervousness. No, I reminded myself I was going to change.

               Yet three months into the trip and I was still struggling. Some days I felt amazing, I was doing it! I started from scratch and made a community; I had friends and gained a new family, that had to count for something. Yet other days I questioned myself, was I doing it? I still held anxiety around the thought of talking to new people or acquaintances, I didn’t feel more confident in my conversational skills, and I was still the quite one in class. Maybe I could never live up to the ring.

               Every day though, I would still put it on. I wanted to keep trying and for now I guess that’s good enough.

Note to Peer Reviewer

    I struggled a lot with the balance between story and reflection, so any suggestions would be great (: