Biggest Fear

 There’s nothing I hate more than trusting another object to keep me from plummeting to my death. It doesn’t even have to be a dangerous height and I still get nervous. This isn’t one of those small fears either, like being afraid of sharks or spiders. I’ll start sweating and my heart pumping if I ever get put somewhere too high.

The thing is, it’s specific situations that really scare the bejesus out of me. Either I’m on the very edge of a very tall cliff, or I’m on a manmade contraption that doesn’t have enclosed rooms or solid ground. I can be on the 100^th floor of a building and be fine or look out over a valley on a tall mountain with no worries.

This fear has been with me my whole life, but I never truly acknowledged it until the day I climbed up the watch tower in eastern Illinois for the first time. The tower didn’t even look that tall from where I was standing on the ground, maybe 20 stories or so. It looked relatively sturdy too with four big metal legs with tons of supporting beans, so I didn’t give it a second thought when I started climbing up. Unfortunately, as soon as I started climbing, I discovered that all the floor surfaces were see-through metal grates…great. The longer I kept walking the more unstable I felt, like the watch tower was moving in the wind and could get blown over at any second. After a long hike up the stairs, I finally made it to the top and, for reasons beyond me, I decided to look down. My legs gave out a bit and my grip on the railing instantly tightened.

Oh god.

Taking small steps, I slowly inched toward the center of the platform, where there was an area enclosed by a fence with solid flooring. Finally, I could take a breather. It still felt like the tower was swaying beneath me, but at least if I fell there were sections right beneath me that I would fall onto.

“hahaha, not one for height huh” my mom teased me.

Sadly, I accepted the truth, heights just aren’t my thing. After collecting myself, I still tried to enjoy the view and even took a few photos of the gorgeous view, but after a few minutes, I was ready to head back down. Getting back within a few feet of the ground was such a relief. My hands stopped sweating, my legs stopped feeling wobbly and I felt safe again.

It hurt a little to admit defeat like that, seeing everyone else okay, while I’m quietly having a heart attack. But even after putting myself in more situations like that, I still haven’t gotten over my fear. Instead, it has become more like an acquaintance. It’s there, just as present as the beginning, but it’s become familiar. I know when to expect it to show up and how it’ll show itself, so it can’t catch me off guard anymore.

Just this past winter, I tested myself again by going on a super tall cross with my family in Argentina. Just looking at it I knew it was going to be a doozy, but I went up anyway. Just as a thought, the moment I stepped out of the elevator onto the platform my heart started beating like crazy. I never strayed far from the edge, but at least I got to be up there with everyone else and enjoy the view.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the fear is going to stick with me for the rest of my life, so for the time being, I'll keep trying to prevent it from hindering my activities.